Finally...

We are finally on the right track. I saw the Internal Medicine specialist at UT today and she agreed that I needed a CT scan and biopsy. She was apparently impressed by the hardness of the nodes. She said a couple of times, "They are small, but boy are they hard."She was worlds better than the previous doctor. Very serious and no chit-chat, but as my dad says, that's not what you are paying them for.
She took tons of blood for the hospital lab to run "extensive" blood work on. Apparently they break it down and look at it on a cellular level, looking for chemical markers, sedimentation rates, and other stuff that meant nothing to me. She also sent me for a chest X-ray this afternoon.
Unfortunately, she did not offer any alternate diagnosis. I could tell from her questioning that she was looking for other possibilities, but came up with none. I have the CT scan on Friday, as well as an appointment with the surgeon. She thought we might be able to get a biopsy as soon as next week.

Bad Doctoring

Later today I have yet another doctor's appointment to try to figure out what is going on. So far, my experience has been a lesson in bad medical care.

Several months ago I noticed a small swollen lymph node in my left groin area. It didn't hurt at all. It was just enlarged and hard. I wasn't sick and hadn't been sick and I didn't have any infected cuts or other infections. I forgot about it, figuring these things happen once in a while and it would go away in a week or so. Last month I realized that the node was still there and it was joined by a friend. Both were hard and painless. I figured it was probably time to get it checked out.

Since we moved here three years ago, we have not had a primary care doctor. We haven't been very sick and just haven't needed one. I see my OB/GYN and a urologist regularly and so I went to my OB/GYN to get the nodes checked out. I ended up seeing the nurse practitioner and she put me on a round of Doxycillian and said that usually takes care of the problem and if it didn't they would send me to an Internal Medicine doctor. The antibiotics had no effect and I called my OB/GYN's office to get the referral. Here's where things got screwed up.

The receptionist at the office gave me the name and number of a doctor and I made an appointment for the next day. The doctor was a very nice woman about my age. She felt the nodes and we went through all the possibilities. Usually reactive nodes are painful. These are painless. Usually reactive nodes are soft. These are hard and fixed. Usually reactive nodes resolve in a week or so. I have had these for months now. And I have not been sick or had anything that would cause a node reaction like this. The only other symptoms I had at that time were fatigue and a constant backache in my lower back, right behind the nodes.

At this point, the doctor said that we have to look at cancer as a possibility. She also said that it could be that the nodes were reactive at one point but have calcified permanently. The nodes are a little smaller than often seen in Lymphoma patients, but they could be just getting started. She took blood work and said she wanted to send me to a surgeon to get a biopsy. I went home and immediately started researching Lymphoma and Hodgkin's disease, the most likely culprits. Turns out that I am the perfect picture of an early case of Lymphoma.

I immediately called my in-laws because my father-in-law is an OB/GYN. He offered to set me up for a fine needle aspiration the following day. We had it done but the pathologist was unable to get enough cells to send through cyto flow and so it was inconclusive. I was thankful to my father-in-law, however, it turns out the fine needle aspiration is not used to diagnose Lymphoma. They need to see the node in its entirety. Back to square one.

A few days later, my blood work came back normal, We had hoped the blood work would show some infectious disease or reason for inflammation, but no suck luck. The doctor sent me to a general surgeon. The surgeon, also a woman my age, proceeded to tell me that she thought I could just feel the nodes because I am thin. She said she can feel her nodes too. I pointed out to her that the nodes on the other side are not palpable and that I knew the enlarged nodes were not there 6 months ago. She didn't have much to say, just that she thought everything would be fine and we should just wait and see. The surgeon also questioned why my doctor had not done some preliminary imaging, as is typical.

After having been told I might have cancer and finding out I did indeed closely resemble a Lymphoma presentation and knowing that a biopsy is the only way to know for sure, I was not too pleased that the surgeon did not want to do a biopsy and also not pleased that we had not done the imaging. I went back to the doctor to see if she could at least set up an MRI or CAT scan. While waiting to see the doctor, her nurse asked what I thought of the surgeon. I said she seemed fine and asked if they worked with her often. The nurse replied that no, they didn't know her at all. The nurse just picked her name off a list of general surgeons. The doctor doesn't know her at all. Not a good sign.

When the doctor came in, I explained what had happened and asked what we should do next. This time the doctor seemed a little confused. In a total turn around, she said the nodes were probably OK and we could just leave it alone and see what happened. I think that she is just very new and does not have a working relationship with other doctors in the area and was not confident enough to push a surgeon for a biopsy. She said she didn't send me for imaging because it was expensive and she figured a biopsy would be easier.

I was obviously none too happy with all this. I have been lucky to always have really great medical care. My parents see the best doctors back in Nashville and therefore, so have I. My urologist is one of the best in the country and my OB/GYN is the chief of the OB/GYN department at the University of Tennessee Medical Center. I have always seen doctors who are aggressive in diagnosing and treating illnesses and I have always trusted their judgment because I have know that they are the best in town. It was obvious now that this doctor was not up to snuff. I was about ready to just go back to Nashville and see our doctor there even though our crappy insurance would not pay for all of it.

I went back to my OB/GYN and saw the nurse practitioner again. I explained the situation. Turns out that the office should have never sent me to the other doc in the first place. She is just a family practitioner. They meant for me to go to an Internal Medicine specialist at UT hospital. The NP spoke to my OB/GYN and he agreed that he wanted a biopsy and imaging and he told her he wanted them to get me in to see a colleague at UT immediately. This was Friday. That day, his nurse tried to get me in, but was told that they had no openings until August. Great. On Monday, another nurse called me at home and told me that my doctor himself was going to get me in as soon as possible and she would call me back that morning with an appointment day. She called back 10 minutes later and told me the appointment was for today, Wed. May 21.

So, finally, today I am hoping to get some real help. In the three weeks that all this has happened, I have two new enlarged and hard nodes in the area and one is developing on the other side of my groin. One of the initial nodes has grown. My backache has continued. I have also had several episodes of night sweats, another symptom of Lymphoma. I am hoping that these new developments will result in an immediate biopsy. In fact, I am going to pretty much demand a biopsy. I'll keep you posted.

Toddler Talk

It's so nice to have a child whose speech has progressed at a normal rate. My son was a late talker. He hardly uttered a word until he was two. Ladybug, though, is right on schedule and knows hundreds of words now and uses them all the time. She is also a gregarious little girl and especially likes to speak to "babies." At least she thinks they are babies. They are usually about her age, but she seems to think she is a three year old like her brother and therefore anyone her age is a "baby."

For example, the other day at the library, we walked past another mom and a little girl about 18 months old. Ladybug checked her out as we walked past and then turned around and said, "Goo goo ga ga, baby." This is because when she was a baby, my son would say "goo goo ga ga" to her. Apparently now this is what she thinks you say to a baby. The baby looked very confused.

She also likes to make sure that all other babies know that things belong to her. We were walking in the neighborhood the other day and passed another child in a stroller. Ladybug looked at her from her perch in our stroller and yelled across the street, "MY STROLLER!" Maybe she thought the baby was shooting envious glances at our stroller. Who knows.

Been Gone Too Long

I am sure I have exactly zero readers now after my extended absence, but just in case there is anyone still out there, I thought I would offer an explanation for my hiatus. I am ready to jump back in, though my posts may become somewhat more abbreviated due to time nowadays.

Major, major upheaval in casa Molly the past month.

First of all, huge daycare problems. We did not get a spot in any of the three acceptable day cares. This resulted in two weeks of teeth gnashing and hair pulling trying to decide what to do. We toured several alternatives which all sucked. Guess that's why they had openings. In the end, I decided that I have the whole rest of my life to work, and only a few short years to be home with my children so I will not be returning to work next year. It was an agonizing decision as I was really excited about getting back to the classroom, but I am at peace with it now after seeing where I would have to leave my kids if I wanted to do it. So, that crisis is over and done with.

Then, out of the blue, my husband's grandmother, to whom we are very close and see every week, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has had a biopsy, lumpectomy, and mastectomy all in the last three-four weeks. She's 82, so of course we have been very worried about how she will fare through all this. Luckily though, she is one tough broad and is fighting it tooth and nail. She actually had the mastectomy today and is doing just fine.

Finally, and here's the kicker.....there is a chance I have Hodgkin's disease or non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I've had this enlarged lymph node in my groin for about 6 months now. The one has become several and they are all hard, fixed, and painless. I have not been sick or had any injuries or infections that might result in enlarged nodes. We have ruled out any infectious diseases through blood work. I have also been very tired lately. I get 8-9 hours of sleep a night but an still exhausted all day. And, last night, I woke up drenched in sweat something I never, ever experience. I am always freezing at night, never hot. These things can weigh heavy on a girl's mind, you know, and I have been pretty consumed with worrying about it all. I've also had a snafu with finding a really good doctor and have been off on a goose chase of sorts, but finally have an appointment with an Internal Medicine specialist at the major research hospital here on Wednesday. Lymphoma is relatively rare and the odds are I don't have it, but we won't know for sure without a surgical biopsy.

So, there you have it. That's where I have been. I've also been trying to spend more time actively engaged with my kids in an effort to improve some behavior. It is working some.
I am going to try to start posting again though, at least every other day, if not daily. So don't give up on me totally. I'm still here.

Daycare Rush

Well, I would love to tell you that this time away has been fruitful and glorious, but that would be a lie. Well, that is not exactly true. Ladybug has been doing better with the extra attention. We went to a wonderful birthday party today and we have had fun with friends this week.
But unfortunately, this fun was had with a big cloud of gloom and doom hanging over my head.

I remember back when I went through sorority rush. You go to all the parties, listen to the spiel, endure the endless skits and songs and sappy sisterhood talk. After each round, you make your selections and hope that those houses select you too. Then, at the end of the week, you cross your fingers, check Tri Delta and hope to God they pick you. On Bid Day you tear open your bid envelope and read your fate. Kappa Kappa Gamma, Tri Delta, or Chi Omega? Whose letters will soon be emblazoned on everything you own?

For some unlucky girls, there is no bid envelope. The houses they picked did not pick them. The have "fallen through" rush.

Well, we have fallen through daycare selection. Back in August, we did the tours and put the kids' names on the three most outstanding places in town, hoping for a spot in August 2008. Back in Nashville, you have to sign up at birth, but here, we've been told, there is not that much of a wait. We did our homework and asked around and even the centers told us it should not be a problem.

Well, wrong-o. Apparently we should have put their names on the list when we filled out their birth certificate registration, because all three childcare centers told me this week that they do not have spots for Ladybug and Sweet Pea. They have made their fall lists and are full. We can keep checking back and hope someone moves, but as of now, we have no childcare for August.

I have a job offer, but no child care. Immediately after hearing all this, I started calling everywhere else in town. Of course all the other acceptable centers are equally full and we would be put at the bottom of their lists. We are now faced with hiring a nanny, enrolling in some home-run center, or me staying home. The nanny is a possibility but logistically very difficult because at anytime one of the centers could call and say we have a spot and then we'll take it and we won't know for sure we need a nanny until mid-July, two weeks before I go back to work. The home-run center is out. I will stay home before putting them in a less than ideal situation but since I assumed we would have the kids in full-time care, I did not register them for Mother's Day Out/Preschool and now of course those spots are full as well. Hopefully our MDO can work something out, but if not my son has no preschool the year before kindergarten.

THIS SUCKS.

Vacation Time

Sometimes you just can't do everything you would like. I am taking a little blog vacation for a few days. My house is a huge mess and I have a garden to plant. More importantly though, I need to devote some undivided attention to my daughter, Ladybug. Ladybug is what some would call a "challenging child." She has always had quite a temper but she has become very aggressive in the past few months, pinching, hitting and biting. We have been doing some reading about ways to deal with this and right now, I need to give her some one-on-one heavy duty playtime and love. I often get distracted by chores and blogging and I believe she feels left out. So, since my primary duty is to her, I am stepping back from the blog for a few days to see what happens.

Check back in a few and I'll let you know how things are going.

I am Crazy and Chivalry is Dead

It would seem that the universe is pointing me in a certain direction. Either that or I've lost my freaking mind!

At preschool on Wednesday, the day after I started Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, my son planted a bean seed. He was so excited. He came right home and started looking through the pantry because he wanted to plant one here. I found some dried red beans, we wrapped them in wet paper towels, stuck them in a baggie and taped them to the window. That evening, Sweet Pea could not stop talking about planting things. He is a frequent visitor to his great-grandmother's vegetable garden and his grandmother's flower garden and now wants to start his own. At bedtime that evening, I told Sweet Pea that we would stop at Lowe's on the way to the library and buy some seeds so he could grow a plant or two. Operative words here would be "a plant or two."

Later that evening, I got well into Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and made the decision that not only would we plant a plant for Sweet Pea, we would also attempt to grow some vegetables this summer. I was inspired. I was on my high-horse. We'll fight "the man" and give my son a lesson in agriculture!

So, yesterday on the way to the library, the kids and I selected a plethora of vegetable seed packets, some starting soil, and some little starter cups. I let Sweet Pea pick most of the veggies. He selected carrots, cucumbers, zucchini, several pepper varieties, green beans, and three types of tomatoes. I added my usual summer herb collection of chives, oregano, dill, thyme, rosemary, cilantro, and basil.

I have two small children. I have a dog who runs rampant in the backyard. I have no gardening experience. I just bought a gazillion packages of seeds to plant in my backyard, in a part of the country currently in a drought. I have lost my mind. This will be a learning experience, I am sure of that.

Now for the chivalry. The two bags of garden soil that I bought were humongous. Really large. I could barely lift them into the cart, and I am not that weak. I lift weights. I do push ups. I guess I need to do more, though, because these were too heavy for me. Of course there were no employees around and there never are. I managed to get them balanced at least on top of the cart, fairly evenly balanced I thought. Ladybug was in the cart seat, the bags balanced on top of the cart and Sweet Pea was walking beside us.

I made it to the checkout. The old guy at the checkout scanned everything and when I asked if anyone could help me get the bags into my car, he said there was no one available. OK, you jerks, I thought. I can manage.

We headed out into the parking lot. We were walking down the main lane in front of the store when we went over a speed bump and the cart tipped over. It was one of those slow motion things. I could see it all happen but could do nothing to prevent it. The momentum of the cart and the bags was too much for me to resist and the cart fell on its side, right on top of Sweet Pea, spilling Ladybug in a heap on the ground. Sweet Pea was screaming because he landed on his elbow. Ladybug was crying and trying to run away. I was trying to tend to them, right the cart, and pick up the 300 lb bags of soil.

Directly across the lane were two Lowe's employees, men, looking at the grill selection and talking to a customer, also a man of able body. All three saw the accident. Did any of the gentlemen come to assist? Nope. They just kept on flapping their jaws about the features of the grills, while I tried to keep my 18 month old out of traffic, calm my three year old and lift two giant bags of soil into the cart.

Who came to my rescue? You can probably guess it....two other mothers with babies. That's right, one mom held the babies while the other mom and I lifted the bags of soil into the cart.
And they say we're the weaker sex.

What a pathetic example of the male species these guys were. And Lowe's is lucky my kids were not seriously hurt.

More on the seed planting tomorrow.