Saturday, February 16, 2008

Blazing Saddles

Hell, if no one knows who I am, I can post stuff like this. I have no shame.

Dear Lady Hoping to Revive Her Sex Life,

I saw you standing in the feminine product aisle of Wal-Mart this morning.
You were carefully studying the, ahem, intimate products. You looked to be about 107 thirty-seven and had three screaming banshees kids in tow. I recognized the look of a desperate housewife immediately, because I am one myself.

I can fully sympathize with your desire to spice things up. I was in your position just the other day. I had been doing my usual grocery shopping and noticed a new gift pack of KY Lubricant and Massage Oils, prominently displayed for Valentine's Day. These might be fun, I thought to myself. After all, it's the one day I guess I'm expected to put out.

On the big night , I donned a "fun but flirty" new nightie from Tarjay and presented myself and the gift pack to my hubbie as he walked in the door. As he is usually greeted by a cacophony of wails coming from our daughter and "play with me, Daddy," from our son, this was a nice surprise and he jumped on me it.

When it's been a while, things get going fast, you know, and we didn't bother to examine the gift pack of goodies in much detail. The bottle titled "Fireside" was the first one we grabbed and away we went.

Well, I will try to put this as tastefully as possible. We were on fire, but not in a good way. It was a subtle burn for the first few seconds but it quickly turned to a barn blazer after a minute or so. We both hightailed it to the bathroom and poured water over our nether regions. If there was ever a time I wished for a douche, it was then. It took a good 30 minutes for things to cool down, and by that time, so had our va va voom.

If we had bothered to read the bottle, we would seen the disclaimer, "Not a personal lubricant". Silly old me just thought since the stuff was manufactured by KY that it would be safe for intimate activity. Turns out it's just a massage oil. A massage oil to be used externally.

So, sex-starved mommy in Wal-mart, if you are thinking of bringing home that box of not-so-delightful delights, read the fine print and be careful where you put them. Just a helpful hint.


One Hot Mama


jennifer h said...

my god, this was funny.

Rima said...

That's hilarious. I'm jealous that you can now post about stuff like this! Can't wait to see what else you'll write about here!

Heather said...


Zenmomma said...

Ouch! Too funny. Gives new meaning to the phrase "I'm on fire for you honey."

Thanks for the laugh.

Missyb64 said...

OMG... too funny for words!!! My sister and I went to the Adult Store for our husband's Valentine surprises. We are now educated, and we'll leave it at that. BTW did you know your butt needed beads? Yeah, me neither. Amazing... just amazing.

Molly said...

I don't want to contemplate such things, Missy!

Anonymous said...

goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!