Why Can't I Be A Swimsuit Model??

I have wasted exactly 1.5 hours today looking at swimsuits online. What an effort in futility.

We all know that you can't really buy a swimsuit online. Well, you can, but it's not a good idea. Well, it might be an OK idea if you are, like, 15 with the body of a prepubescent boy. But if you are 35, have birthed two children, have a map of the Mississippi river and all it's tributaries in stretchmarks across your stomach and hips, and sport two saggy D-cup bazoombas, it's not a good idea.

About a month ago, I optimistically (and foolishly) skip-a-daisied to the mall to look for a couple of suits for our two big beach trips. This will great, I thought. I'm thinner than I've been since I was 26ish. Maybe I could even wear a modestly cut bikini! Dreams of bikini models danced through my head. I pictured myself gloriously tan lounging on a rock with a come hither look on my face clad in a gold lame string bikini. The wind whipped through my hair and my skin glistened with the sheen of tanning oil. I happened to find this visual aid that corresponded nicely to my imaginary self.


Vanity, thy name is Molly.

Reality check. First of all, rocks hurt. Second of all, any effort of mine to get a tan results in a lobster red burn complete with blisters. Thirdly, gold lame is kind of tacky. Lastly, hello, this is me we are talking about.

Still, I had high hopes.

High hopes that were soon dashed on those imaginary rocks.

I must have tried on every single remotely attractive suit in not one, but THREE department stores. I wisely avoided the skimpy stuff and shunned the old lady purple hibiscus flower suits, but I hit everything in between.

I quickly reaffirmed my belief that I look like crap in a one piece. I am very short waisted and need the break in the waist line that a two piece provides. In the past, I have worn tankinis but somewhere in the big swim department in the sky, they must have decided that tankinis are passe. So that left me with all the two pieces.

The biggest problem is in the bust region. Who the hell designs swimsuits with no bust support??? Men with no boobs, that's who. Seriously, would it hurt to put an underwire in there somewhere? Halters are cute and all, but unless your boobs are silicon, they don't do much for support. Likewise with the triangle tops and the bandeau tops. My selection was automatically slashed by 80% since I require the underwire.

And then there is the bottom. It's hard to find that perfect rise. Some are too low. Those hip hugger things don't flatter anyone. Boyshorts either. Some were too high and looked like industrial strength granny panties. I finally came to the conclusion that a well cut skirted bottom was the way to go and seems to be in style judging from the vast quantity of them.

It was only after trying on swimsuit number 98 on my second visit to the department store where I started that I finally found one that seemed better than the rest. It's not perfect, but it has the necessary underwire, boob coverage and sassy skirt that looks a little MILF. I plunked down the $85 bucks and called it a day. (The fact that what is basically a set of underwear costs $85 boggles my mind).

So, given my frustration with my in-person swimsuit shopping, one might wonder why I wasted 1.5 hours looking online when statistics would say that unless I mail-ordered 100 suits and tried them all one, I would not be able to find one that actually looks good on me.

Desperation, my friends. Since I have exhausted the possibility of finding another suit here, I thought perhaps I could find a similar suit online. Easier said than done. I did find a couple of cute ones at Victoria's Secret of all places, but they are sold out of one and the other would be over $100 with express shipping so it gets here in time. And I just don't want to spend $100 on a swimsuit, even though I know that is the going rate. I just can't do it.

I guess I will have to hit some shops in Destin and hope I can find something, or maybe I'll just wear my one swimsuit the whole time. At least then I will get my money's worth out of it.