Why Can't I Be A Swimsuit Model??

I have wasted exactly 1.5 hours today looking at swimsuits online. What an effort in futility.

We all know that you can't really buy a swimsuit online. Well, you can, but it's not a good idea. Well, it might be an OK idea if you are, like, 15 with the body of a prepubescent boy. But if you are 35, have birthed two children, have a map of the Mississippi river and all it's tributaries in stretchmarks across your stomach and hips, and sport two saggy D-cup bazoombas, it's not a good idea.

About a month ago, I optimistically (and foolishly) skip-a-daisied to the mall to look for a couple of suits for our two big beach trips. This will great, I thought. I'm thinner than I've been since I was 26ish. Maybe I could even wear a modestly cut bikini! Dreams of bikini models danced through my head. I pictured myself gloriously tan lounging on a rock with a come hither look on my face clad in a gold lame string bikini. The wind whipped through my hair and my skin glistened with the sheen of tanning oil. I happened to find this visual aid that corresponded nicely to my imaginary self.


Vanity, thy name is Molly.

Reality check. First of all, rocks hurt. Second of all, any effort of mine to get a tan results in a lobster red burn complete with blisters. Thirdly, gold lame is kind of tacky. Lastly, hello, this is me we are talking about.

Still, I had high hopes.

High hopes that were soon dashed on those imaginary rocks.

I must have tried on every single remotely attractive suit in not one, but THREE department stores. I wisely avoided the skimpy stuff and shunned the old lady purple hibiscus flower suits, but I hit everything in between.

I quickly reaffirmed my belief that I look like crap in a one piece. I am very short waisted and need the break in the waist line that a two piece provides. In the past, I have worn tankinis but somewhere in the big swim department in the sky, they must have decided that tankinis are passe. So that left me with all the two pieces.

The biggest problem is in the bust region. Who the hell designs swimsuits with no bust support??? Men with no boobs, that's who. Seriously, would it hurt to put an underwire in there somewhere? Halters are cute and all, but unless your boobs are silicon, they don't do much for support. Likewise with the triangle tops and the bandeau tops. My selection was automatically slashed by 80% since I require the underwire.

And then there is the bottom. It's hard to find that perfect rise. Some are too low. Those hip hugger things don't flatter anyone. Boyshorts either. Some were too high and looked like industrial strength granny panties. I finally came to the conclusion that a well cut skirted bottom was the way to go and seems to be in style judging from the vast quantity of them.

It was only after trying on swimsuit number 98 on my second visit to the department store where I started that I finally found one that seemed better than the rest. It's not perfect, but it has the necessary underwire, boob coverage and sassy skirt that looks a little MILF. I plunked down the $85 bucks and called it a day. (The fact that what is basically a set of underwear costs $85 boggles my mind).

So, given my frustration with my in-person swimsuit shopping, one might wonder why I wasted 1.5 hours looking online when statistics would say that unless I mail-ordered 100 suits and tried them all one, I would not be able to find one that actually looks good on me.

Desperation, my friends. Since I have exhausted the possibility of finding another suit here, I thought perhaps I could find a similar suit online. Easier said than done. I did find a couple of cute ones at Victoria's Secret of all places, but they are sold out of one and the other would be over $100 with express shipping so it gets here in time. And I just don't want to spend $100 on a swimsuit, even though I know that is the going rate. I just can't do it.

I guess I will have to hit some shops in Destin and hope I can find something, or maybe I'll just wear my one swimsuit the whole time. At least then I will get my money's worth out of it.

Memphis in the Meantime

Ok, I know I have slacked off again, but we have been out of town for the last week. I took the kids to Nashville and then on to Memphis to visit relatives with my mom. We spent the first night in Nashville visiting my family and then left for Memphis on Tuesday morning.

It was nice being in Memphis again. We got to spend a lot of time with my aunt and uncle and cousins. We stopped by my alma mater, Rhodes College, saw some new sights downtown, drove over the bridge to Arkansas so the kids could add another state to their tally and went to the zoo. If you have never been to the Memphis zoo and are ever in the area, you must go. It's become a world class zoo and has an amazing polar bear exhibit. I also got a chance to visit Molly's and catch up with some old friends.

Memphis seemed much the same as when I left about 8 years ago. It's still poor as dirt, rundown, and dangerous. I loved living there because I liked the realness of it and the people. It also has a great nightlife scene and great local music. Now, however, I don't think I would want to live there with my kids. We would have to put them in a private school because the public schools are so awful and we would have to live way out east and not in the Midtown area that I love. Big B would never consent to live there anyway, so I think it will have to remain a place for memories and not a future home.

The kids did surprisingly well for their first real hotel experience. Sweet Pea slept in a bed by himself and Ladybug slept on sleeping bags on the floor. She is still in her crib at home and thinks a big bed is just a trampoline, so I didn't want to put her in a bed. They ran around like wild animals for about 30 minutes the first night and Ladybug sang in her little bed for a long time before going to sleep. The second night they were so tired that they were asleep the minute their heads hit the pillow.

We returned home late Friday afternoon and I think we were all a little sad the trip was over. The trip to Memphis was a little sad for me, just because I had such a good time living there and made some great friends. I could never return to that life, but I do miss it from time to time. Being in Nashville is just being at home and I am always sad to leave. The first year or so that we lived in Knoxville, I cried for about the first 40 miles every time we left from visiting Nashville. I miss my family immensely and I miss the city. We both want to move back, but with the economy and housing market the way it is, who knows when that will be. Sooner rather than later, I hope. The three cities are so different from one another--something to explore in a later post, maybe.

So that's what I have been up to the past week. Hopefully now that we are back and now that I don't have a cancer diagnosis hanging over my head, I will be posting on a more regular basis. The huge piles of laundry, the weeds in the yard and garden, the messy house, the prep for the beach, all that can wait, right?

Hallelujah!

We got a call from the surgeon this morning...it's benign! No indication as to what has caused the hardening and enlargement, but it is definitely not cancer. Thank God! What a relief. All this worry for naught.

Anxiously Waiting...And Puking

Had the biopsy Tuesday but I've been so sick that I have barely been able to surface. Not sure if it is from the anesthesia or painkillers, but I have been barely able to keep anything down since post-op Tuesday. Today has been some better but not great. My mom has been here helping with the kids....a definite lifesaver, as there is NO way I would have been able to take care of them Tuesday or Wed.
No news yet on the pathology. Hoping for a call tomorrow.
I'll write more when my stomach settles.

Countdown to Tuesday

I meant to post yesterday, but was just too tired. I saw a surgeon yesterday and had a CAT scan. We have a biopsy scheduled for Tuesday morning. They will take out the largest node. Pathology should be back in 48-72 hours. The surgeon was hopeful that it is not Lymphoma, but he said a couple of things that run contrary to all the information I have read on Lymphoma, so I am taking his statements with a grain of salt. All we really need is the node out and the pathology. The surgeon I had the appointment with is going to be out of town this week and thought we needed to get the node out ASAP, so another guy in the practice is doing the surgery. Between meeting the two of them and the exams, I forgot to ask a few questions about the pathology. I've read up on all the things you are supposed to ask for and do so that you can take your pathology to a major cancer center for second opinions and treatment courses. If I do have Lymphoma, I will go to Vanderbilt or Duke, get a treatment plan and have it executed here if possible, so I need to make sure I can get a copy of the pathology slides and a flash frozen section if possible. It's so much to all take in.

I also had a CAT scan, which really sucked. You have to drink this nasty chalk cocktail over the course of an hour. The actual scan is effortless. You lie there and they run your body through the machine, but the cocktail made me want to puke. It was foul. They gave me a disc of the images and I have looked at them but it is a little hard to know what to look for. You can see the major organs but there are lots of globs of things that you can't place. We will get the report on Tuesday.

So, that's the update on my health front. We'll hope for the best on Tuesday. I alternate between thinking I have cancer and thinking I just have calcified lymph nodes. I just want it to be over at this point.

Finally...

We are finally on the right track. I saw the Internal Medicine specialist at UT today and she agreed that I needed a CT scan and biopsy. She was apparently impressed by the hardness of the nodes. She said a couple of times, "They are small, but boy are they hard."She was worlds better than the previous doctor. Very serious and no chit-chat, but as my dad says, that's not what you are paying them for.
She took tons of blood for the hospital lab to run "extensive" blood work on. Apparently they break it down and look at it on a cellular level, looking for chemical markers, sedimentation rates, and other stuff that meant nothing to me. She also sent me for a chest X-ray this afternoon.
Unfortunately, she did not offer any alternate diagnosis. I could tell from her questioning that she was looking for other possibilities, but came up with none. I have the CT scan on Friday, as well as an appointment with the surgeon. She thought we might be able to get a biopsy as soon as next week.

Bad Doctoring

Later today I have yet another doctor's appointment to try to figure out what is going on. So far, my experience has been a lesson in bad medical care.

Several months ago I noticed a small swollen lymph node in my left groin area. It didn't hurt at all. It was just enlarged and hard. I wasn't sick and hadn't been sick and I didn't have any infected cuts or other infections. I forgot about it, figuring these things happen once in a while and it would go away in a week or so. Last month I realized that the node was still there and it was joined by a friend. Both were hard and painless. I figured it was probably time to get it checked out.

Since we moved here three years ago, we have not had a primary care doctor. We haven't been very sick and just haven't needed one. I see my OB/GYN and a urologist regularly and so I went to my OB/GYN to get the nodes checked out. I ended up seeing the nurse practitioner and she put me on a round of Doxycillian and said that usually takes care of the problem and if it didn't they would send me to an Internal Medicine doctor. The antibiotics had no effect and I called my OB/GYN's office to get the referral. Here's where things got screwed up.

The receptionist at the office gave me the name and number of a doctor and I made an appointment for the next day. The doctor was a very nice woman about my age. She felt the nodes and we went through all the possibilities. Usually reactive nodes are painful. These are painless. Usually reactive nodes are soft. These are hard and fixed. Usually reactive nodes resolve in a week or so. I have had these for months now. And I have not been sick or had anything that would cause a node reaction like this. The only other symptoms I had at that time were fatigue and a constant backache in my lower back, right behind the nodes.

At this point, the doctor said that we have to look at cancer as a possibility. She also said that it could be that the nodes were reactive at one point but have calcified permanently. The nodes are a little smaller than often seen in Lymphoma patients, but they could be just getting started. She took blood work and said she wanted to send me to a surgeon to get a biopsy. I went home and immediately started researching Lymphoma and Hodgkin's disease, the most likely culprits. Turns out that I am the perfect picture of an early case of Lymphoma.

I immediately called my in-laws because my father-in-law is an OB/GYN. He offered to set me up for a fine needle aspiration the following day. We had it done but the pathologist was unable to get enough cells to send through cyto flow and so it was inconclusive. I was thankful to my father-in-law, however, it turns out the fine needle aspiration is not used to diagnose Lymphoma. They need to see the node in its entirety. Back to square one.

A few days later, my blood work came back normal, We had hoped the blood work would show some infectious disease or reason for inflammation, but no suck luck. The doctor sent me to a general surgeon. The surgeon, also a woman my age, proceeded to tell me that she thought I could just feel the nodes because I am thin. She said she can feel her nodes too. I pointed out to her that the nodes on the other side are not palpable and that I knew the enlarged nodes were not there 6 months ago. She didn't have much to say, just that she thought everything would be fine and we should just wait and see. The surgeon also questioned why my doctor had not done some preliminary imaging, as is typical.

After having been told I might have cancer and finding out I did indeed closely resemble a Lymphoma presentation and knowing that a biopsy is the only way to know for sure, I was not too pleased that the surgeon did not want to do a biopsy and also not pleased that we had not done the imaging. I went back to the doctor to see if she could at least set up an MRI or CAT scan. While waiting to see the doctor, her nurse asked what I thought of the surgeon. I said she seemed fine and asked if they worked with her often. The nurse replied that no, they didn't know her at all. The nurse just picked her name off a list of general surgeons. The doctor doesn't know her at all. Not a good sign.

When the doctor came in, I explained what had happened and asked what we should do next. This time the doctor seemed a little confused. In a total turn around, she said the nodes were probably OK and we could just leave it alone and see what happened. I think that she is just very new and does not have a working relationship with other doctors in the area and was not confident enough to push a surgeon for a biopsy. She said she didn't send me for imaging because it was expensive and she figured a biopsy would be easier.

I was obviously none too happy with all this. I have been lucky to always have really great medical care. My parents see the best doctors back in Nashville and therefore, so have I. My urologist is one of the best in the country and my OB/GYN is the chief of the OB/GYN department at the University of Tennessee Medical Center. I have always seen doctors who are aggressive in diagnosing and treating illnesses and I have always trusted their judgment because I have know that they are the best in town. It was obvious now that this doctor was not up to snuff. I was about ready to just go back to Nashville and see our doctor there even though our crappy insurance would not pay for all of it.

I went back to my OB/GYN and saw the nurse practitioner again. I explained the situation. Turns out that the office should have never sent me to the other doc in the first place. She is just a family practitioner. They meant for me to go to an Internal Medicine specialist at UT hospital. The NP spoke to my OB/GYN and he agreed that he wanted a biopsy and imaging and he told her he wanted them to get me in to see a colleague at UT immediately. This was Friday. That day, his nurse tried to get me in, but was told that they had no openings until August. Great. On Monday, another nurse called me at home and told me that my doctor himself was going to get me in as soon as possible and she would call me back that morning with an appointment day. She called back 10 minutes later and told me the appointment was for today, Wed. May 21.

So, finally, today I am hoping to get some real help. In the three weeks that all this has happened, I have two new enlarged and hard nodes in the area and one is developing on the other side of my groin. One of the initial nodes has grown. My backache has continued. I have also had several episodes of night sweats, another symptom of Lymphoma. I am hoping that these new developments will result in an immediate biopsy. In fact, I am going to pretty much demand a biopsy. I'll keep you posted.