Friday, February 15, 2008

In Search of a New Bra

Free, free like the wind...
Now that I am finished with the PPP saga, I am free to blog about anything and everything I want to.

And today folks, I will be blogging about......BOOBS. Yes, you read correctly. I am blogging about breasts, specifically, my breasts.

You see, yesterday my wonderful husband took over the kids so I could go have a massage and do some shopping. I have needed new bras for like, forever. Months. Since having Ladybug and losing a lot of weight, my bra size has changed but I have been making do with a couple of ill-fitting holdovers. I am tired of the droopy boob look I've been sporting and vowed to get some well-fitting substitutes.

I used to really like the Body by Victoria unlined full coverage, so I headed to Victoria's Secret, where they were conveniently having their Semi-Annual sale. Before digging through the mounds and mounds of bras, I asked to be measured. Sales-chickadee whipped out her tape measure and declared I am a 34 B. This matches my last measurement so I select several different styles and head to the fitting room. None even remotely fit. My cup runneth over. My back fat protrudes. One even makes me look like I have an extra set of boobs under my arms.

Discouraged, I went to a department store. I tried on practically every singe bra they had in 34 B and 34C. Nothing fit. My breasts bulge out over the top of every one. Kind of like this.

I tried a D cup, but its cup gaped at the sides. I am apparently neither a B, C or a D.

The problem, I think, is they don't make bras for women who have had children, gained and lost a bunch of weight, and who now have sad, pendulous sacks instead of the perky, upright peaks of their youth. What I think is happening is that the measurement is way off because my boobs are so saggy. When they measure me around the bust, the measurement indicates a B cup because my breasts are so flat across and most of their volume is in their length now, but once I stuff all that hanging down flesh into a cup, the volume overfills the cup. Des this make sense?

I simply can not find a bra that does overfill at the top of the cup. And I am not trying on push-up bras either. These are the normal, non-sex kitten bras. What to do, what to do?

Back in college, my friends and I used to love to compare what God gave us. My friend T. and I had an especially fierce, but friendly competition in this area. We were similarly sized and had pretty nice sets of tee-toes if I do say so myself. I used to have a black sweater with white horizontal stripes running across the bust and we call it "the measurement shirt." Everyone's rack looked bigger in that shirt. We would all try it on and count how many stripes it took to scan our bosoms. Then, C., a less well-endowed friend, devised an equation to measure the volume of our tee-toes and took detailed measurements on all of us. When out at bars and feeling particularly gregarious (or drunk, rather) T. and I would ask guys to compare us and tell us who had the better set. Probably not our best moment, but believe me, there were far worse. I won't even talk about Mardi Gras.

Because I have had such a love affair with my own breasts, I am pretty sad that they aren't what they used to be. I know it is vain and selfish, but I would love to have a breast lift. I won't ever do it, but boy, if we had an extra $10,000 sitting around, I would be sorely tempted.

Until then, I am going to have to rely on a good-fitting bra and I just can't seem to find one. If anyone out there has a suggestion, I'm all breasts, er, ears.

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