Friday, February 15, 2008

Recall on human toddlers?

Dear God,

I'm sorry to bother you right now. I mean, this is probably your busiest season-Christmas. I am sure you are busy decorating and getting ready to celebrate the birth of your son. And I know you are also busy listening to all those little prayers for a Tickle Me Elmo or Thomas the Train. I don't mean to question your glorious works, but I was thinking that it might be time to update the current human toddler model. I have an August 31, 2006 human toddler and it needs some tweaking.

First of all, is there any way you could do something about the human toddler's total lack of fear? August 31, 2006 likes to take off the couch cushions, stand on top of the couch and belly flop onto the cushions on the floor. She also seems to think that tables and chairs are for standing on. I am worried she is going to take out the Christmas tree. If you can't install a fear chip, maybe you could work on a warning system. For instance, right before the human-toddler preforms some death-defying act, their heads could spin around and they could emit some loud whistling sound. Just an idea.

Secondly, can we do something about their dislike of having their diapers changed? August 31, 2006 screams at the top of her lungs and twists her little body around so that I can't get her cleaned up. Who knew that human toddlers had the strength and moves of a pro-wrestler? This really causes problems when the human toddler has pooped (which, you know, you could also so improve. A better fragrance would be nice). I get tired of cleaning poop off of every surrounding surface because my human-toddler has gyrated so much that everything within a 10 ft radius is contaminated. Maybe we could install an on-off switch for regular maintenance? You know, this would come in handy for many situations.

And how about a better sense of aim? My human toddler loves to throw food. Perhaps with better aim she could throw it in the trash or sink or even the dog's bowl. That would really be handy.

Finally, how about an alternate sense of time? It's hard to get any Christmas shopping done because the human toddler only likes to be restrained in a cart or stroller for a finite amount of time, usually around 5 min. After this, the human toddler goes into meltdown mood, screaming and wailing. This is embarrassing for the mother and results in numerous return trips to the store because you can't think straight with all that racket and therefore you neglect to get everything you need. If the human toddler experienced a half-hour as if it were 5 minutes, we could really get some things done and since the season is all about you, it would be nice if you could help out with this.

These are just a few suggestions. I am sure there are many other moms up there in heaven who could help you with this project. Perhaps you could make it your New Year's Resolution. And don't feel bad that your creation's not perfect. I am sure creating everything in existence takes practice.


Lisel, owner of model August 31, 2006

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